Along For The Ride

So, as some of you guys have noticed, I took some time off the last couple of days from my blog. In this post, I am going to tell you why. I promised to stay completely honest and open with you guys and that is very hard to do. Staying open and honest with now 200+ people is a difficult thing to do in a world that promotes the "highlights" instead of authenticity.

The last couple of days, I am going to be honest, I was struggling with some really deep depression and anxiety. I mean that I can't get out of bed depression and anxiety.

The crazy part is that all of it was set off by something so small. Essentially, I made a mistake when ordering a book that I really wanted and ordered the wrong one. That sounds really dumb, and trust me at the time I recognized that it was. But, I was already facing tons of insecurity and fear and anxiety surrounding this, my blog, and I just kept thinking that if I can mess up something so small, then how much more can I mess up this blog.

I won't lie, I really believe God brought this into my life at this time for a reason, but I am so inadequate. I know I am. I am not a writer nor have I studied English. I am not the most best believer nor the most pure Christian. I am not like some of these amazing Christian women like Christine Caine and Priscilla Shirer. I don't have amazing things to share or profound statements. All I keep thinking is that somehow I am going to mess this up and that everyone I care about is just going to laugh at me. That this is all a waste of time and effort. That no one cares or supports me. That I am never going to reach people the way I want to.

All I have is a passion to share and be real, and let others know that they aren't alone. That what they are feeling is valid and real. That they aren't crazy for feeling the way they do.

All I can hope is for that passion to be enough. That my desire to share that with others is enough. That somehow I am enough.

Someone I look up to told me this tonight: If you are going to invite people along your journey, then you have to let them in during the hard times too.

I invited you guys to come along my journey with me, and so because of that I will continue to try to be as real and open about where I am at. I am not out of that depression yet, it is still very much real and still a battle. Right now I am still learning how to deal with that in a healthy manner, but tomorrow is another day.

Preparations: A Hurricane is Coming

One part about living in Florida, is we know how to prepare for a hurricane. As Hurricane Michael approaches, that little line of prediction keeps creeping down the coast more and more toward me and my family. So, like every Floridian, we started preparing food, water, gas, batteries, etc. I always loved hurricane season, not the destruction of it obviously, but the calmness before the storm, the waiting, the preparation period. There is always this sense of something bigger than ourselves is coming, and there is nothing we can do but be prepared for when it arrives.

As I was at the store getting water for my family, this question popped in my head: What am I doing to prepare myself for the looming storms in life that are bigger than me and that I cannot stop?

I know.

That is a hard-hitting question to appear in the middle of the canned goods aisle, but there it was. It really struck a chord with me. If you know me, you know that when I am good, everything is good, but when I am not good, it affects everything and everyone around me. Right now I am in a period of good, my jobs, school, my friends, this blog, everything seems to be working out right now and everything is peaceful. But, life is always churning up another storm just building and moving in. So, what is it that I can be doing right now to prepare my heart for those ever-present storms?

Food and Water: The Lord says the He is the bread of life (His Word) and that He is the living water. When I fill myself in The Word and in God's presence, it means that my heart is not scrambling to find nourishment elsewhere. So when the storms come and destroy everything else, I will already be full and have the food and water accounted for.

Gas. Obviously there is no scripture that says "I am the gas of life" (could you imagine the middle school jokes?) but gas can be used in storms to burn lamps which bring light. So when the storms come and knock all the electricity out, the gas burns and keeps the light going strong. God is that light. He says that he is the "light of the world and a city on a hill cannot be hidden", and when the storms of life are coming, we have the promise that the Lord will light the way for us, we cannot be overtaken in darkness. And believe me, when the rescue happens, I want to be like the city on the hill and not be hidden.

Batteries. Batteries bring life. Simply put, God brings life. Batteries keep everything going when electricity fails. When our own strength fails us, God can use His power and His might to keep us strong. If not, then the storm will not have to try very hard to overcome you, because unfortunately, the storms are stronger than us, they are bigger than us. But, they are not bigger than our savior.

Just like in a storm, all of these things have to be prepared in advance. There is no way to prepare during a storm. Preparation for a storm comes at a price. The same is true in faith, it means sacrificing time, energy, and priorities, to be fully prepared when those storms hit, and trust me, they are going to hit.

So, I will ask you the same thing God asked me:

What are you doing to prepare yourself for the looming storms in life that are bigger than you and that you cannot stop?

The Numbers Challenge: Part 2

This weekend, in case you are just joining in, I encouraged that we all partake in a Numbers Challenge. The point behind this was to take a short period and make a conscience effort to not live life by the numbers. Not by the numbers on the scale. Not by the numbers in your bank account. Not by the number of followers, likes, and comments you have on social media. Not by the numbers.

So, I went through with this challenge. It was actually a lot of fun. I decided this weekend to look for the breathe-taking moments. The little, unexpected gems that God gives us throughout our life just because He is good.

So, here are my results:

On Friday, I had many breathe-taking moments, from beach waves and sunshine to cooking dinner with my best friend, the day was full of little moments of laughter and fun.

On Saturday, my breathe-taking moment came in an unexpected way. I was at work and because of strict hours, we were feeling pretty under staffed. And then our computer system decided to start working as slow as molasses. We had a good number of customers and my co worker and I were just trying to keep the joy. I just wanted our customers to feel loved and appreciated even with the long wait times, so I did what I do best, and make really awkward jokes just to keep the energy light. It made me so happy to see our customers laughing and joking back.

Today, my breathe-taking moment was when I was leading youth, we took them into adult service to take communion with the congregation. I help serve communion at our church since I am trained to do so (and honestly, I love serving our congregation communion). Getting to serve my youth communion and to see them learn what it means and to pray with them for the Lord to forgive their sins, was simply amazing.

To say the least, the Lord delivered within this challenge and gifted me with some amazing moments. This challenge is really something I would love to incorporate into my life every day, because there is such freedom in living by the breathe-taking moments instead of the numbers. I may still find myself slipping and looking at the numbers, but every day is a chance to have that hold be a little less and those chains fall off a little more.

For those of you who participated, thank you. It was wonderful knowing I wasn't alone and that I had accountability doing so. I have loved reading the messages of y'all's breathe-taking moments, thank you for sharing them with me!

As we go into a new week, continue to focus on looking for the breathe-taking moments, even within the moments of stress and hard circumstances. God will bless you within your effort, and through it all remember to give Him thanks for each beautiful, unique breathe-taking moment.

Dreading the Waters, Riding the Waves

One thing most people know about me is that I am terrified of open water. I love water in general, but open water for some reason scares me.

Yesterday, one of my best friends and I decided to take a mental health day and went to the beach. Usually I don't go in the water past my knees, but yesterday in following with my numbers challenge, I decided I didn't want my fear to rule me. So when we finally decided to get into the water I walked in until I was a little less than shoulder deep. I was shaking, but I was doing it!

The second time we went in, going in to my shoulders didn't seem like such a big deal. My friend and I saw a few guys going out to the sand bar (maybe 50 or 60 feet from shore, which to me seemed like 4 or 5 miles) so we decided to go as well. So, slowly we swam towards the sand bar. It was terrifying, but when my feet hit the sand bar it was exhilarating to know that I did it. I was out there.

I may not have conquered my fears, but I definitely took a big step in not letting them control me. Here is the thing about fears, we are always going to have them. They may change over time, but we can't get rid of all of our fears. But, we can decide to not let fear control us. We can choose to live our life outside of fear.

This blog is one of my fears. I know it may not seem that way from my writing, but to put myself out there is terrifying.  But, the last week has also been unexpectedly amazing. The best thing about overcoming the control fear has on you is not necessarily the action, but the feeling that goes with conquering something that has a hold on you. There is nothing more freeing.

I hope all of you that are participating in The Numbers Challenge are having a good time and finding the small, breath-taking moments! I cannot wait to hear your stories!

Jeremiah 29:11 day 18

The Numbers Challenge: Part 1

I have been so blown away with the support and love I have been shown with this blog. I never thought that within a week I would have 100+ daily readers from 8 different countries on 4 continents. I mean, I am just a 22 year old girl sitting in the guest room in her parents house, sharing what I think. So thank you to every person who has read, messaged me, left comments, and supported me! I am so awed by the kindness I have been shown.

But. Today I found myself constantly refreshing my stats page to see who had read my post and where they were from. I was obsessing over it. I realized that my life, and really all of our lives, are constantly lived by numbers. The numbers in your bank account, the numbers on the scale, on your clothes tag, the number of followers on social media, your GPA, etc., we constantly look to numbers for validation.

Here's the thing though, is I don't want to write this blog for the numbers. I don't want to live my life for the numbers. I want to write this blog to organize what I think and how I feel, and give encouragement to those who may be experiencing or thinking similar things. I want to live my life by breathe-taking moments, not numbers, unless it is counting the stars, or the number of steps walking toward the person you love, or the number of scars you have from crazy adventures! Those are the only numbers I ever want to be living by, because those other ones can decrease, they can be taken away, but the number of breathe-taking moments in your life, those cannot be taken, they can only increase.

So I have a challenge for all of us as we go into the weekend: Instead of living life by the numbers, let's try to live life by the breathe-taking moments. See how many you have this weekend and then come back and share them with me! I want to relish and celebrate those beautiful moments with y'all! Good luck!

I will follow up later from this post and let y'all know how this challenge is for me and share my own breathe-taking moments! I am already excited for whatever amazing moments those will be!

Jeremiah 29:11 Day 16

Social Media Fast: Part 2

As promised, here is the God aspect of my social media fast.

As I have said before, the last year has been a strange season when it comes to God. Essentially I walked away from God after the camp I loved rejected me, and I blamed God hardcore. So, I was pretending for about half a year, while attending my old church, that I had this strong, solid faith. In reality, I hated God and really didn't care. I couldn't have been more numb to faith and church. Eventually I left that church and decided to stop pretending within my personal life. Many of my close friends and family knew that I was not following God and really didn't care. The awkward part there is that I was working at a Christian bookstore and I would leave work so frustrated because I would have to pretend for hours on end to care. I had to listen and agree with customers about God. It was all so fake. 

Side note: If you are one of my co-workers reading this, I just want to say thank you for the love and support y'all showed me over those months. You may not realize it, but God was using you guys to impact my faith so much!

So, last week when I had my breakdown, after the screaming and crying and fighting, I just felt a gentle tug on my heart. When I walked away from social media, it was for me, I am not going to deny that. It wasn't about God or anything like that. But, what I didn't know is how God was going to use that whole situation to call my heart back to him. I didn't understand that God was right there crying with me, dying with me. Not because of the circumstance, but because it hurt him to see me in so much pain. 

This week God has used my time away from social media to not only find my voice, but to finally find His voice, to hear Him clearly for the first time in a long time.

Here is where I am now: I am still struggling with the whys and am still constantly saying "I don't understand", but within all of that I am re-learning that God is good. He really does have a plan even though I don't understand it or agree with it. But, I can recognize now, that I wasn't ready to do the things I thought I was ready for. I learned that there are still things I need to work on within myself, and that's okay. 

The pain is still there, don't get me wrong, but now I have a hope that I didn't have before. I still don't know what the future holds, but I know that right now, I am working on me, and that's enough.

Jeremiah 29:11 day 15

Social Media Fast: Part 1

Warning: This is a very real, open, and raw post. Proceed with caution.

A lot of people have asked me regarding my social media fast so I am going to give you all the real reason behind it because I promised you all that I would be open and real and vulnerable on this blog.

Please note how hard this is for me, and proceed with gentleness and patience, knowing full well that I am opening a part of myself that few have seen...

A week ago I started a social media fast because I had a very real and painful mental and emotional breakdown. 

I was in a lot of pain. I had felt like I had lost something amazing in my life, someone amazing, and the pain surrounding the circumstances of that person leaving were too much for me to handle. It scared me knowing that I cared that much for someone and knowing that I had let them in more than I had let pretty much any other person. (Side note: I am not an open person. It is something I recognize. If I let someone in, it is a big deal because I like my walls.) To think that I would possibly never see that person again was too much for me, it was like when they left, they took a part of me with them. They don't know it, but they left with enough of me to destroy me, and that scared me more than anything in the world.

 I was basically trying to find anyway to numb that pain and fear while also working two jobs and stay on top of school work and maintain my friendships. I was so overwhelmed by the amount of faking I had to do to keep up the image I had between my jobs and friendships. It honestly disgusted me. I hated feeling fake. Basically that night, I broke. And I mean BROKE.

After screaming into a pillow till my throat was raw and crying until there was nothing left, I realized that something needed to change. I needed control over something. That something was an overwhelming need to control the many voices coming at me, and to do that meant to walk away from social media, at least temporarily.

I am learning what self-care means for me. I am learning how to look out for myself and love myself. Along this process, I am finding my voice, which is why I started this blog, because I don't want all of this to be in vain. I want all of this pain and heartache to be for a purpose. 

And then there is the God aspect of all of this, but you will have to wait til tomorrow for that part. 

Jeremiah 29:11 Day 15

October, I Am Ready for You!

Happy October all! Today begins my favorite part of the year. Every year I switch my scent (which perfume I use) to my favorite of all time which is Cup of Warmth from Bath and Body Works. This season brings so many great holidays (Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years). The reason I love these times are for a few different reasons. First, I love the cold. I live in Florida, so when I say cold I mean that I won't immediately be sweating the second I walk outside and I might be able to wear long sleeves (which I love!). Second, I love the upcoming holidays. This year is going to be a little different since my grandfather passed away this year and he was always one of my favorite parts of these times, but I am going to celebrate none-the-less and I know he will celebrating with me.

I don't know what it is about this time of year that really makes me so joyful. I feel like at this time of year I start being more ambitious, I become more willing to take chances. Maybe it's the change of summer to winter (since I live in Florida we don't really experience a fall and spring). The summer is so slow and chill where the winter is fast and full of activities. Even more so, maybe it is just my love for the small things like the color of the leaves changing or the smell of pumpkin spice and cinnamon apple. It's the joy of little kids hanging Christmas lights and the laughter from families sharing dinner on Thanksgiving. It's the stress of working retail and the excitement of buying Christmas gifts for the people I love. It is cherishing the small moments and realizing how important those times are.

As October brings a new season, I recognize all the changes happening in my life right now. I am definitely in a transition period in my life (though I guess I have felt that way for the past year or so) but I am working two jobs and going to school full time. I am looking to buy a new car. I am starting a new volunteer role leading a youth bible study. I started writing this blog more seriously. I started making healthier choices in my life, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I am learning what self-care is and that loving myself sometimes means making decision that are best for me and not others. This is definitely a changing of times for me and I couldn't be more excited! I am learning who I am and who I want to be and the impact I want to have.

So, welcome October, I am ready for you and I cannot wait for all the great moments, breathe-taking experiences, and the many moments of laughter. Let this next chapter begin!


Jeremiah 29:11 day 14

The First Will Be Last, The Last Will Be First

I help co lead a youth bible study on Sunday mornings at my church with one of best friends. Today we were teaching about the Parable of the Vineyard Workers (Matthew 20:1-16). The parable is describing this idea: That the first will be last and the last will be first.

When I first came to know the Lord, I was very angry at what my life gave me. I was bullied from a young age and found myself to be a very lonely child. I hated everything that I had to bear as a child and the depression was so real. The first lesson God introduced to me was this: Life is not always easy, especially yours, but I can take the pain and use it for good, I can take the rain and use it for growth. It would be an understatement to say that I hated this sentiment. I didn't want a hard life even if God could use it for good, I wanted it to be different. 

My best friend and I who co lead this bible study are polar opposites when it comes to our past. She grew up sheltered and came to know God at a young age. I was not raised sheltered and came know God at a later age in life. So it perplexed me that we get along so well and there were many times in our friendship that I would find myself resenting her for the easiness it seemed she's had in her life. 

Here is what I learned today about these things (through teaching my youth):

1. Comparison is a dangerous game. It is true that if you look at what you do have, you will always have enough, but if you only look at what you don't have, you'll never have enough. God has given us all what we have for a purpose. My best friend and I co lead this group so well together because between the both of us, we reach the entire spectrum, instead of just the part we understand and know.

2. Circumstances do not make us the first or the last from the parable. Our perspective and the reaction we choose to take up from circumstances make up the first or the last. To live selfishly and angry, or to live humbly and joyful. It is all a choice. 

3. God loves us each equally, He does not love those with seemingly easier lives more, nor is hard circumstances a punishment. Everything God allows can be used for good, if you choose to let Him work within it and through you. 

I am not yet 100% at putting these to practice, nor do I think I ever will be, but I realize now how real these are in my life. I tend to live my life in comparison and view myself very low because of it. I elevate other people and lower myself because of the comparison game and it is so dangerous, so destructive, and ultimately such a waste of time and energy.


Jeremiah 29:11 Day 13

Today Is Going To Be A Good Day And Here's Why

One of my favorite Broadway plays is Dear Evan Hansen and the main character is challenged to write letters to himself everyday starting with "Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day and here's why...." and ever since I first saw this play I have thought that the concept was so unique. Recently I have found myself having a lot of bad days, so this morning when I woke up, I decided to write one of these letters to myself. Here is what I wrote:

Dear Jensen Christina,

Today is going to be a good day and here's why...

-because you are alive and you have survived every moment leading up to today
-because you have the power to control how you react to life
-because you are loved and cared for, whether you believe it or not
-because you are striving to better yourself daily
-because you are kind-hearted and sweet
-because you are strong and a warrior
-because you have the opportunity to love on others at work today
-because you need to have a good day.

Those were my reasons. I needed a good day, because another bad day would have killed me. So I started my day with these things in mind. Immediately life tried to change that mindset when I accidentally went into work 2 hours too early. Normally I would have been furious, today I decided to react differently, and decided to spend some much-needed quality time with myself and enjoyed those two hours of peace. I noticed how that choice effected my attitude towards every small situation today. Someone even commented on how much more joyful I seemed today (I know, crazy that I'm not known as the joyful type ha ha).

Looking back at today I realized that I have the choice to either let situations control my joy or let my joy control my situations.

I recognize that not everyday is going to be like today. Having an incredible day from start to finish is definitely an anomaly in my life, but it is possible to have good moments within bad days if we look for them. Not everyday is inherently bad because there are bad aspects, sometimes they are just bad aspects within an otherwise good day.

So if you are like me and just need a good day, take this Dear Evan Hansen challenge and start your day by writing this letter to yourself.

Today is going to be a good day and here's why...

Jeremiah 29:11 Day 12

Today I Met A Girl

Today I met a girl. Okay, really I met her about a year ago. She is a co worker of mine at the bookstore I work at, and tonight her and I hung outside of work for the first time ever. She is also the first co worker I have ever hung out with outside of work because I tend to have this rule about co workers being co workers, not friends.

Her and I both worked today and just decided to meet up at the mall after work. So we walked around and talked. We shared laughs and jokes and honestly it was the first time I felt really, purely happy around someone in a few weeks. But more than just all that goofiness (which there was A LOT of) we also got to share our hearts, our frustrations, and I realized that I forgot how good it feels to just be open and real with someone just to get it off my heart. We realized that we shared a lot of the same worries and cares and we have experienced similar things.

It made me realize a little glimpse of God's goodness, which if you read my post yesterday, you know that is something I have been struggling with.

Last year the Lord gave me the verse Jeremiah 29:11 for 129 straight days (and when I say gave, I mean He shoved it down my throat, ask anyone who was in my life at the time, it was painful). And this year He has started that pattern again with the same verse, Jeremiah 29:11. Today was day eleven.

Something that I realized tonight is that God had taken someone out my life because this is just not a season for us to be in each other's lives the same way we have been in the past, but he also gave me this girl who I look up to and admire, not only as a co worker, but as a friend, right when I needed her.

He is teaching me that His timing is perfect, though I may not always see that or agree.

So she is a girl I have known for a while, but tonight I met her, and she will never understand the blessing she was/is to me.

And I am starting to relearn that maybe God is looking out for me, maybe he does care, and maybe, just maybe, He really is good.

Life Life Life

So, usually on my blog I post my ideals and ideas, whether that be music, dating, rough patches, etc., but I am going to be changing this blog to just a way to kind of mind dump. I have a bad habit of holding things in and I don't want to do that anymore. I can promise you that this blog will be real and open and probably more than a little sarcastic (remember who is writing this).

Life. Life. Life. Man I am so tired of life. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed with working two jobs and going to school full time. But, let's be real, life is so freaking hard. Not only is it hard, but it is a roller coaster. One day you can be on top of the world, and the next day can be like life itself is draining you, like existing it too hard.

I am going to be completely honest, for the past two weeks, I have been the latter. Life has been rough for me the last couple of weeks. Which is weird since the weeks before that were amazing, like literally the happiest I have been in a real long time. Truth is, I have been struggling. Struggling with finding balance. Struggling hearing others people voices and opinions above my own. Struggling with wanting to numb the pain. Within all that I have been struggling with God.

Let me back up for a moment to say that I have been in a very real season of questioning everything about my beliefs, specifically centering about my beliefs/unbeliefs about God. I have been really struggling to figure out if God's goodness is just a myth or if it is real. Let's be honest, it is real hard to think God is good when life sucks. So much pain and grief has surrounded me within the last year, since I got back home from working at a summer camp, and it has been h.a.r.d. and honestly I still don't completely know what I believe about God. I believe He exists and I believe He is working, but I am still working through whether or not He is good in nature, because my life a lot of time doesn't feel like He is good. But it's all a process of learning.

So overall, life has been hard for me lately. I have shut a lot of people out (if that is you and you're reading this, I'm sorry, truly I am) to protect myself. I have done posts in the past talking about my walls and truth is, they are real now more than ever. I have this overwhelming need to close myself off from other people, because once I let them in, they have a piece of my heart. To have a piece of my heart means that you have the power to destroy me. If one thing my teen years taught me, it is that you can't go throwing your heart around to everyone, being picky isn't being mean. Truthfully, only four people in the world right now have enough of my heart to hurt me.

If you're still reading, congrats, you can read. But really, thank you, whoever you are, because you reading this means you care enough to try and support me and understand me. Thank you for the role you play(ed) in my life. I am who I am because of you.

So yeah, there's life right now. It's a lot, but it's also just the current destination of Jensen's Journey (blog title plug, go me), who knows that tomorrow could bring.

Single and Unashamed

For all you singles out there this Valentine's season, congratulations! You're single! For all you taken people out there this Valentine's season, congratulations! You're taken!

My point is, no matter what your relationship status is, you should celebrate. It is worth celebrating.

I have been in many leadership roles and in many different congregational settings in the few years I have been a believer, and one thing that I have always heard is that I just need to be patient until God brings the right guy to me so I can do ministry, which don't get me wrong, I appreciate the kind words Brenda, but I don't want to be patient. I want to do my ministry where I am called for exactly who I am, single or not.

Recently I have learned that my worth is not found in my relationship status because I am not COMPLETED in my relationship status, I am complete in the God was created us to be relational. Again, don't get me wrong, I would love to be married, especially this time of year, and in my flesh I maybe mourn that a little too much, but in my spirit I am content where I am.

I am single.

Some of you reading that sentence will start feeling the shame creep up and rest itself on your shoulders. Well you better rebuke that in Jesus' name and shake it off because there is NO SHAME in that sentence. I think in the Church we sometimes do a bad job of reminding our singles that they are not only worthy when they are married. Listen, I am single and I am going to rise up in flames, I am going to burn bright and I am going to burn hot. I don't need to be married to be on fire for God.

So just to be clear, here are some things I am not:

1. I am not unworthy because I am single.

If anything I know my worth way more as a single because there is no other relationship like my relationship with Jesus. No distractions.

2. I am not defined by my relationship status.

There is too much emphasis on "the married" and "the singles". Here is the thing, defining people that way brings division. I want a church where it doesn't matter if you are single or married, male or female, white or black, rich or poor. The only time Jesus brought definition was to the sinners, and that is all inclusive.

3. I am not uncalled to lead because I am single.

Listen, just because I don't have someone standing by my side does not mean I cannot lead. I can and I will if it is God's will.

4. I am not unseen because I am single.

Again, I am gonna burn bright and I am gonna burn hot.

5. I am not ignorant because I am single.

Ignorance does not equal single. (Though I may be ignorant in some specific areas.... ;) )

Here is what I am:

1. I am seen in my singleness.
2. I am worthy in my singleness.
3. I am whole in my singleness.
4. I am wise in my singleness.
5. I am a leader in my singleness.
6. I am me in my singleness.

I AM UNASHAMED IN MY SINGLENESS.

And that is what you should see.

P.S.: I am not shaming married couples either, just to be clear. I am happy you are happy. Just like you should be happy that I am happy. :)