Social Media Fast: Part 2

As promised, here is the God aspect of my social media fast.

As I have said before, the last year has been a strange season when it comes to God. Essentially I walked away from God after the camp I loved rejected me, and I blamed God hardcore. So, I was pretending for about half a year, while attending my old church, that I had this strong, solid faith. In reality, I hated God and really didn't care. I couldn't have been more numb to faith and church. Eventually I left that church and decided to stop pretending within my personal life. Many of my close friends and family knew that I was not following God and really didn't care. The awkward part there is that I was working at a Christian bookstore and I would leave work so frustrated because I would have to pretend for hours on end to care. I had to listen and agree with customers about God. It was all so fake. 

Side note: If you are one of my co-workers reading this, I just want to say thank you for the love and support y'all showed me over those months. You may not realize it, but God was using you guys to impact my faith so much!

So, last week when I had my breakdown, after the screaming and crying and fighting, I just felt a gentle tug on my heart. When I walked away from social media, it was for me, I am not going to deny that. It wasn't about God or anything like that. But, what I didn't know is how God was going to use that whole situation to call my heart back to him. I didn't understand that God was right there crying with me, dying with me. Not because of the circumstance, but because it hurt him to see me in so much pain. 

This week God has used my time away from social media to not only find my voice, but to finally find His voice, to hear Him clearly for the first time in a long time.

Here is where I am now: I am still struggling with the whys and am still constantly saying "I don't understand", but within all of that I am re-learning that God is good. He really does have a plan even though I don't understand it or agree with it. But, I can recognize now, that I wasn't ready to do the things I thought I was ready for. I learned that there are still things I need to work on within myself, and that's okay. 

The pain is still there, don't get me wrong, but now I have a hope that I didn't have before. I still don't know what the future holds, but I know that right now, I am working on me, and that's enough.

Jeremiah 29:11 day 15