The Year God Answered My Prayers 2015: As It Comes To A Close

                                       

        This was the year that God answered all my prayers. At the beginning of the year I made a list of prayers that I wanted God to answer throughout the year. Here is the list:
   1. Help me get closer to my friends, let my friendships be deeper instead of surface level.
   2. Put me in situations that are hard, but that will ultimately understand God better.
   3. To break me down so that I learn to rely on God.

         As I sit back and think about this year, I am starting to recognize that God has continuously answered these prayers, in small ways and big ways. As I look back at this year that has been one of the most changing, yet best years of my life, I see God's hand guiding me, leading me. 

        Last year on this day, I never thought my life would be what it is now. I thought I would have just finished my 3rd semester at my dream school, had another semester with my amazing Clearwater family, and spent another semester serving in the community around Clearwater. Obviously, this did not happen.

       When I got back to CCC in January this year, I was nervous about a lot of things, friendships, relationships, my classes, my faith. It was a lot, but God immediately answered prayers and showed me that I could trust him. Little did I know that only a couple of months later, I would get injured, being in a wheelchair, on crutches, moved from my unit, and just broken in general, God literally taught my how to lean on Him. I thought that was hard, but God was just preparing me.

        I finished the school year with amazing friends, an amazing school, and a faith I had never had before.

       As I headed into the summer, I was pumped. I was so excited to spend time with my friends from home. But, already I was counting down the days before I could go back to CCC. 

THEN JUNE 5TH. EVERY THING CHANGED.

        Every plan I had, every hope for the next school year, every thing fell with the news that Clearwater was closing. I was in a place of being so numb, I couldn't cry, I couldn't scream, I couldn't feel anything, I was numb. Then, as reality starting setting, I started reflecting on my (short) life at CCC, and I realized that God had been preparing all of us. There were many tear filled phone calls, Skype sessions, text conversations, and face-to-face conversations that came following this day. We all knew that our college life as we had known it was over. Things were about to change,

        As I prepared to go to Southeastern University, there were many times that I asked God why. I pleaded with him, I begged, I cried to him to bring CCC back, but I knew God had another plan.

       This past semester at SEU was one I had never expected. I never imagined that I would make so many friends, have so much fun, and grow so much. I immediately found friends, a church, a bible study, and a college group. I got my first roommate ever, who became my best friend, and I got a faith I had never known before. I was in a place where I had to rely on God.

        As I look back at this year I see every thing I have gotten, instead of every thing I have lost. I got to learn under 17 different professors, made over 400 new friends, got to live in two different cities, went to two schools, went to three churches, and got a new understanding of God. I know I will always look at this year as the year that my life changed in the most unexpected way, but I know God closed CCC because he was leading us all in His direction, His work was completed there. I got friendships that are deeper than I could have imagined, I got a better understanding of who God is. and I learned how to rely on God and trust him with my life. 

        Last year at this time, I could never have imagined or dreamed that I would have such an amazing, complete year. And for that, to God I am grateful.

Mirror Mirror

                                           

When you look into the mirror, who do you see? What do you think?

Something happened to me this week. I was at my community group. It was after it ended and everyone was hanging out. I went to the door, to throw something away. I look up at the door and in the window;

I saw my reflection.

The first thought I had was, "I hate you." That is what I said to myself. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see hatred. I see disappointment. I see pain. I see suffering. I see a scared little girl holding a knife to her wrist, wondering if life is even worth it anymore. I see disappointment. I see hate.

For so long I have listened to so many voices. Shouting at me, "You are NOT worth it." "You are ugly." "You are stupid." "You will never amount to anything." So many times in my life I let those words, those phrases sink to the deepest depths of my heart and fester until that is what I see in myself. I find it so hard to take a compliment, but so easy to take an insult. It is easy to take an insult, because it is already what I think about myself. Nothing anyone says could be worse than the thought, the words, the phrases I say to myself. I expect disappointment from myself. I expect pain. I expect suffering. I expect hate.

For so long I was the outcast. The one no one liked. I was the worthless one. I was bullied. I was gossiped about. I was treated like I was horrible for even taking up space on the earth, and eventually I started to see that in myself.

It became so easy to put on a mask. To seem fine around my friends and family and church, when really I was on the point of breaking. So many times I would sit in my room, in silence, staring at the mirror, tears in my eyes, looking at myself with hatred, because I started believing about myself that I was not even worth taking space on this earth.

BUT then I met God.

It changed everything about my life. It changed how I saw myself. It changed what I heard. He took those voices in my life and he changed them. He showed me how he sees me. That I am a precious jewel that he knitted together perfectly into who I was meant to be, When I gave my life to Him, I never knew how it would affect how I saw myself, how it should affect how I see myself. Lately he has been penetrating those deep parts of my heart, those parts filled with disappointment, and hate, and anger, and sadness, and worthlessness, and He has been filling those places with love and light and worth and beauty. He is showing me that I was worth His Son's life, to set me free.

Do not get me wrong, this is something I struggle with so much. In those times when I sit alone, and just cry at the thoughts I have about myself. If you opened one of my journals you would see that there are times where I just suffer and I write out how I see myself, and it is not good, but God is starting to show me how I should view myself. He is slowly turning me into His daughter. A beautiful woman who lives to serve God and to serve others. And I am not perfect, but in God's eyes, I am worthwhile and I am beautiful.