Along For The Ride

So, as some of you guys have noticed, I took some time off the last couple of days from my blog. In this post, I am going to tell you why. I promised to stay completely honest and open with you guys and that is very hard to do. Staying open and honest with now 200+ people is a difficult thing to do in a world that promotes the "highlights" instead of authenticity.

The last couple of days, I am going to be honest, I was struggling with some really deep depression and anxiety. I mean that I can't get out of bed depression and anxiety.

The crazy part is that all of it was set off by something so small. Essentially, I made a mistake when ordering a book that I really wanted and ordered the wrong one. That sounds really dumb, and trust me at the time I recognized that it was. But, I was already facing tons of insecurity and fear and anxiety surrounding this, my blog, and I just kept thinking that if I can mess up something so small, then how much more can I mess up this blog.

I won't lie, I really believe God brought this into my life at this time for a reason, but I am so inadequate. I know I am. I am not a writer nor have I studied English. I am not the most best believer nor the most pure Christian. I am not like some of these amazing Christian women like Christine Caine and Priscilla Shirer. I don't have amazing things to share or profound statements. All I keep thinking is that somehow I am going to mess this up and that everyone I care about is just going to laugh at me. That this is all a waste of time and effort. That no one cares or supports me. That I am never going to reach people the way I want to.

All I have is a passion to share and be real, and let others know that they aren't alone. That what they are feeling is valid and real. That they aren't crazy for feeling the way they do.

All I can hope is for that passion to be enough. That my desire to share that with others is enough. That somehow I am enough.

Someone I look up to told me this tonight: If you are going to invite people along your journey, then you have to let them in during the hard times too.

I invited you guys to come along my journey with me, and so because of that I will continue to try to be as real and open about where I am at. I am not out of that depression yet, it is still very much real and still a battle. Right now I am still learning how to deal with that in a healthy manner, but tomorrow is another day.