The First Will Be Last, The Last Will Be First

I help co lead a youth bible study on Sunday mornings at my church with one of best friends. Today we were teaching about the Parable of the Vineyard Workers (Matthew 20:1-16). The parable is describing this idea: That the first will be last and the last will be first.

When I first came to know the Lord, I was very angry at what my life gave me. I was bullied from a young age and found myself to be a very lonely child. I hated everything that I had to bear as a child and the depression was so real. The first lesson God introduced to me was this: Life is not always easy, especially yours, but I can take the pain and use it for good, I can take the rain and use it for growth. It would be an understatement to say that I hated this sentiment. I didn't want a hard life even if God could use it for good, I wanted it to be different. 

My best friend and I who co lead this bible study are polar opposites when it comes to our past. She grew up sheltered and came to know God at a young age. I was not raised sheltered and came know God at a later age in life. So it perplexed me that we get along so well and there were many times in our friendship that I would find myself resenting her for the easiness it seemed she's had in her life. 

Here is what I learned today about these things (through teaching my youth):

1. Comparison is a dangerous game. It is true that if you look at what you do have, you will always have enough, but if you only look at what you don't have, you'll never have enough. God has given us all what we have for a purpose. My best friend and I co lead this group so well together because between the both of us, we reach the entire spectrum, instead of just the part we understand and know.

2. Circumstances do not make us the first or the last from the parable. Our perspective and the reaction we choose to take up from circumstances make up the first or the last. To live selfishly and angry, or to live humbly and joyful. It is all a choice. 

3. God loves us each equally, He does not love those with seemingly easier lives more, nor is hard circumstances a punishment. Everything God allows can be used for good, if you choose to let Him work within it and through you. 

I am not yet 100% at putting these to practice, nor do I think I ever will be, but I realize now how real these are in my life. I tend to live my life in comparison and view myself very low because of it. I elevate other people and lower myself because of the comparison game and it is so dangerous, so destructive, and ultimately such a waste of time and energy.


Jeremiah 29:11 Day 13

Today Is Going To Be A Good Day And Here's Why

One of my favorite Broadway plays is Dear Evan Hansen and the main character is challenged to write letters to himself everyday starting with "Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day and here's why...." and ever since I first saw this play I have thought that the concept was so unique. Recently I have found myself having a lot of bad days, so this morning when I woke up, I decided to write one of these letters to myself. Here is what I wrote:

Dear Jensen Christina,

Today is going to be a good day and here's why...

-because you are alive and you have survived every moment leading up to today
-because you have the power to control how you react to life
-because you are loved and cared for, whether you believe it or not
-because you are striving to better yourself daily
-because you are kind-hearted and sweet
-because you are strong and a warrior
-because you have the opportunity to love on others at work today
-because you need to have a good day.

Those were my reasons. I needed a good day, because another bad day would have killed me. So I started my day with these things in mind. Immediately life tried to change that mindset when I accidentally went into work 2 hours too early. Normally I would have been furious, today I decided to react differently, and decided to spend some much-needed quality time with myself and enjoyed those two hours of peace. I noticed how that choice effected my attitude towards every small situation today. Someone even commented on how much more joyful I seemed today (I know, crazy that I'm not known as the joyful type ha ha).

Looking back at today I realized that I have the choice to either let situations control my joy or let my joy control my situations.

I recognize that not everyday is going to be like today. Having an incredible day from start to finish is definitely an anomaly in my life, but it is possible to have good moments within bad days if we look for them. Not everyday is inherently bad because there are bad aspects, sometimes they are just bad aspects within an otherwise good day.

So if you are like me and just need a good day, take this Dear Evan Hansen challenge and start your day by writing this letter to yourself.

Today is going to be a good day and here's why...

Jeremiah 29:11 Day 12

Today I Met A Girl

Today I met a girl. Okay, really I met her about a year ago. She is a co worker of mine at the bookstore I work at, and tonight her and I hung outside of work for the first time ever. She is also the first co worker I have ever hung out with outside of work because I tend to have this rule about co workers being co workers, not friends.

Her and I both worked today and just decided to meet up at the mall after work. So we walked around and talked. We shared laughs and jokes and honestly it was the first time I felt really, purely happy around someone in a few weeks. But more than just all that goofiness (which there was A LOT of) we also got to share our hearts, our frustrations, and I realized that I forgot how good it feels to just be open and real with someone just to get it off my heart. We realized that we shared a lot of the same worries and cares and we have experienced similar things.

It made me realize a little glimpse of God's goodness, which if you read my post yesterday, you know that is something I have been struggling with.

Last year the Lord gave me the verse Jeremiah 29:11 for 129 straight days (and when I say gave, I mean He shoved it down my throat, ask anyone who was in my life at the time, it was painful). And this year He has started that pattern again with the same verse, Jeremiah 29:11. Today was day eleven.

Something that I realized tonight is that God had taken someone out my life because this is just not a season for us to be in each other's lives the same way we have been in the past, but he also gave me this girl who I look up to and admire, not only as a co worker, but as a friend, right when I needed her.

He is teaching me that His timing is perfect, though I may not always see that or agree.

So she is a girl I have known for a while, but tonight I met her, and she will never understand the blessing she was/is to me.

And I am starting to relearn that maybe God is looking out for me, maybe he does care, and maybe, just maybe, He really is good.

Life Life Life

So, usually on my blog I post my ideals and ideas, whether that be music, dating, rough patches, etc., but I am going to be changing this blog to just a way to kind of mind dump. I have a bad habit of holding things in and I don't want to do that anymore. I can promise you that this blog will be real and open and probably more than a little sarcastic (remember who is writing this).

Life. Life. Life. Man I am so tired of life. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed with working two jobs and going to school full time. But, let's be real, life is so freaking hard. Not only is it hard, but it is a roller coaster. One day you can be on top of the world, and the next day can be like life itself is draining you, like existing it too hard.

I am going to be completely honest, for the past two weeks, I have been the latter. Life has been rough for me the last couple of weeks. Which is weird since the weeks before that were amazing, like literally the happiest I have been in a real long time. Truth is, I have been struggling. Struggling with finding balance. Struggling hearing others people voices and opinions above my own. Struggling with wanting to numb the pain. Within all that I have been struggling with God.

Let me back up for a moment to say that I have been in a very real season of questioning everything about my beliefs, specifically centering about my beliefs/unbeliefs about God. I have been really struggling to figure out if God's goodness is just a myth or if it is real. Let's be honest, it is real hard to think God is good when life sucks. So much pain and grief has surrounded me within the last year, since I got back home from working at a summer camp, and it has been h.a.r.d. and honestly I still don't completely know what I believe about God. I believe He exists and I believe He is working, but I am still working through whether or not He is good in nature, because my life a lot of time doesn't feel like He is good. But it's all a process of learning.

So overall, life has been hard for me lately. I have shut a lot of people out (if that is you and you're reading this, I'm sorry, truly I am) to protect myself. I have done posts in the past talking about my walls and truth is, they are real now more than ever. I have this overwhelming need to close myself off from other people, because once I let them in, they have a piece of my heart. To have a piece of my heart means that you have the power to destroy me. If one thing my teen years taught me, it is that you can't go throwing your heart around to everyone, being picky isn't being mean. Truthfully, only four people in the world right now have enough of my heart to hurt me.

If you're still reading, congrats, you can read. But really, thank you, whoever you are, because you reading this means you care enough to try and support me and understand me. Thank you for the role you play(ed) in my life. I am who I am because of you.

So yeah, there's life right now. It's a lot, but it's also just the current destination of Jensen's Journey (blog title plug, go me), who knows that tomorrow could bring.