Social Media Fast: Part 1

Warning: This is a very real, open, and raw post. Proceed with caution.

A lot of people have asked me regarding my social media fast so I am going to give you all the real reason behind it because I promised you all that I would be open and real and vulnerable on this blog.

Please note how hard this is for me, and proceed with gentleness and patience, knowing full well that I am opening a part of myself that few have seen...

A week ago I started a social media fast because I had a very real and painful mental and emotional breakdown. 

I was in a lot of pain. I had felt like I had lost something amazing in my life, someone amazing, and the pain surrounding the circumstances of that person leaving were too much for me to handle. It scared me knowing that I cared that much for someone and knowing that I had let them in more than I had let pretty much any other person. (Side note: I am not an open person. It is something I recognize. If I let someone in, it is a big deal because I like my walls.) To think that I would possibly never see that person again was too much for me, it was like when they left, they took a part of me with them. They don't know it, but they left with enough of me to destroy me, and that scared me more than anything in the world.

 I was basically trying to find anyway to numb that pain and fear while also working two jobs and stay on top of school work and maintain my friendships. I was so overwhelmed by the amount of faking I had to do to keep up the image I had between my jobs and friendships. It honestly disgusted me. I hated feeling fake. Basically that night, I broke. And I mean BROKE.

After screaming into a pillow till my throat was raw and crying until there was nothing left, I realized that something needed to change. I needed control over something. That something was an overwhelming need to control the many voices coming at me, and to do that meant to walk away from social media, at least temporarily.

I am learning what self-care means for me. I am learning how to look out for myself and love myself. Along this process, I am finding my voice, which is why I started this blog, because I don't want all of this to be in vain. I want all of this pain and heartache to be for a purpose. 

And then there is the God aspect of all of this, but you will have to wait til tomorrow for that part. 

Jeremiah 29:11 Day 15