Life Life Life

So, usually on my blog I post my ideals and ideas, whether that be music, dating, rough patches, etc., but I am going to be changing this blog to just a way to kind of mind dump. I have a bad habit of holding things in and I don't want to do that anymore. I can promise you that this blog will be real and open and probably more than a little sarcastic (remember who is writing this).

Life. Life. Life. Man I am so tired of life. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed with working two jobs and going to school full time. But, let's be real, life is so freaking hard. Not only is it hard, but it is a roller coaster. One day you can be on top of the world, and the next day can be like life itself is draining you, like existing it too hard.

I am going to be completely honest, for the past two weeks, I have been the latter. Life has been rough for me the last couple of weeks. Which is weird since the weeks before that were amazing, like literally the happiest I have been in a real long time. Truth is, I have been struggling. Struggling with finding balance. Struggling hearing others people voices and opinions above my own. Struggling with wanting to numb the pain. Within all that I have been struggling with God.

Let me back up for a moment to say that I have been in a very real season of questioning everything about my beliefs, specifically centering about my beliefs/unbeliefs about God. I have been really struggling to figure out if God's goodness is just a myth or if it is real. Let's be honest, it is real hard to think God is good when life sucks. So much pain and grief has surrounded me within the last year, since I got back home from working at a summer camp, and it has been h.a.r.d. and honestly I still don't completely know what I believe about God. I believe He exists and I believe He is working, but I am still working through whether or not He is good in nature, because my life a lot of time doesn't feel like He is good. But it's all a process of learning.

So overall, life has been hard for me lately. I have shut a lot of people out (if that is you and you're reading this, I'm sorry, truly I am) to protect myself. I have done posts in the past talking about my walls and truth is, they are real now more than ever. I have this overwhelming need to close myself off from other people, because once I let them in, they have a piece of my heart. To have a piece of my heart means that you have the power to destroy me. If one thing my teen years taught me, it is that you can't go throwing your heart around to everyone, being picky isn't being mean. Truthfully, only four people in the world right now have enough of my heart to hurt me.

If you're still reading, congrats, you can read. But really, thank you, whoever you are, because you reading this means you care enough to try and support me and understand me. Thank you for the role you play(ed) in my life. I am who I am because of you.

So yeah, there's life right now. It's a lot, but it's also just the current destination of Jensen's Journey (blog title plug, go me), who knows that tomorrow could bring.