So, as some of you guys have noticed, I took some time off the last couple of days from my blog. In this post, I am going to tell you why. I promised to stay completely honest and open with you guys and that is very hard to do. Staying open and honest with now 200+ people is a difficult thing to do in a world that promotes the "highlights" instead of authenticity.
The last couple of days, I am going to be honest, I was struggling with some really deep depression and anxiety. I mean that I can't get out of bed depression and anxiety.
The crazy part is that all of it was set off by something so small. Essentially, I made a mistake when ordering a book that I really wanted and ordered the wrong one. That sounds really dumb, and trust me at the time I recognized that it was. But, I was already facing tons of insecurity and fear and anxiety surrounding this, my blog, and I just kept thinking that if I can mess up something so small, then how much more can I mess up this blog.
I won't lie, I really believe God brought this into my life at this time for a reason, but I am so inadequate. I know I am. I am not a writer nor have I studied English. I am not the most best believer nor the most pure Christian. I am not like some of these amazing Christian women like Christine Caine and Priscilla Shirer. I don't have amazing things to share or profound statements. All I keep thinking is that somehow I am going to mess this up and that everyone I care about is just going to laugh at me. That this is all a waste of time and effort. That no one cares or supports me. That I am never going to reach people the way I want to.
All I have is a passion to share and be real, and let others know that they aren't alone. That what they are feeling is valid and real. That they aren't crazy for feeling the way they do.
All I can hope is for that passion to be enough. That my desire to share that with others is enough. That somehow I am enough.
Someone I look up to told me this tonight: If you are going to invite people along your journey, then you have to let them in during the hard times too.
I invited you guys to come along my journey with me, and so because of that I will continue to try to be as real and open about where I am at. I am not out of that depression yet, it is still very much real and still a battle. Right now I am still learning how to deal with that in a healthy manner, but tomorrow is another day.
Thursday, October 11, 2018
Monday, October 8, 2018
Preparations: A Hurricane is Coming
One part about living in Florida, is we know how to prepare for a hurricane. As Hurricane Michael approaches, that little line of prediction keeps creeping down the coast more and more toward me and my family. So, like every Floridian, we started preparing food, water, gas, batteries, etc. I always loved hurricane season, not the destruction of it obviously, but the calmness before the storm, the waiting, the preparation period. There is always this sense of something bigger than ourselves is coming, and there is nothing we can do but be prepared for when it arrives.
As I was at the store getting water for my family, this question popped in my head: What am I doing to prepare myself for the looming storms in life that are bigger than me and that I cannot stop?
I know.
That is a hard-hitting question to appear in the middle of the canned goods aisle, but there it was. It really struck a chord with me. If you know me, you know that when I am good, everything is good, but when I am not good, it affects everything and everyone around me. Right now I am in a period of good, my jobs, school, my friends, this blog, everything seems to be working out right now and everything is peaceful. But, life is always churning up another storm just building and moving in. So, what is it that I can be doing right now to prepare my heart for those ever-present storms?
Food and Water: The Lord says the He is the bread of life (His Word) and that He is the living water. When I fill myself in The Word and in God's presence, it means that my heart is not scrambling to find nourishment elsewhere. So when the storms come and destroy everything else, I will already be full and have the food and water accounted for.
Gas. Obviously there is no scripture that says "I am the gas of life" (could you imagine the middle school jokes?) but gas can be used in storms to burn lamps which bring light. So when the storms come and knock all the electricity out, the gas burns and keeps the light going strong. God is that light. He says that he is the "light of the world and a city on a hill cannot be hidden", and when the storms of life are coming, we have the promise that the Lord will light the way for us, we cannot be overtaken in darkness. And believe me, when the rescue happens, I want to be like the city on the hill and not be hidden.
Batteries. Batteries bring life. Simply put, God brings life. Batteries keep everything going when electricity fails. When our own strength fails us, God can use His power and His might to keep us strong. If not, then the storm will not have to try very hard to overcome you, because unfortunately, the storms are stronger than us, they are bigger than us. But, they are not bigger than our savior.
Just like in a storm, all of these things have to be prepared in advance. There is no way to prepare during a storm. Preparation for a storm comes at a price. The same is true in faith, it means sacrificing time, energy, and priorities, to be fully prepared when those storms hit, and trust me, they are going to hit.
So, I will ask you the same thing God asked me:
What are you doing to prepare yourself for the looming storms in life that are bigger than you and that you cannot stop?
As I was at the store getting water for my family, this question popped in my head: What am I doing to prepare myself for the looming storms in life that are bigger than me and that I cannot stop?
I know.
That is a hard-hitting question to appear in the middle of the canned goods aisle, but there it was. It really struck a chord with me. If you know me, you know that when I am good, everything is good, but when I am not good, it affects everything and everyone around me. Right now I am in a period of good, my jobs, school, my friends, this blog, everything seems to be working out right now and everything is peaceful. But, life is always churning up another storm just building and moving in. So, what is it that I can be doing right now to prepare my heart for those ever-present storms?
Food and Water: The Lord says the He is the bread of life (His Word) and that He is the living water. When I fill myself in The Word and in God's presence, it means that my heart is not scrambling to find nourishment elsewhere. So when the storms come and destroy everything else, I will already be full and have the food and water accounted for.
Gas. Obviously there is no scripture that says "I am the gas of life" (could you imagine the middle school jokes?) but gas can be used in storms to burn lamps which bring light. So when the storms come and knock all the electricity out, the gas burns and keeps the light going strong. God is that light. He says that he is the "light of the world and a city on a hill cannot be hidden", and when the storms of life are coming, we have the promise that the Lord will light the way for us, we cannot be overtaken in darkness. And believe me, when the rescue happens, I want to be like the city on the hill and not be hidden.
Batteries. Batteries bring life. Simply put, God brings life. Batteries keep everything going when electricity fails. When our own strength fails us, God can use His power and His might to keep us strong. If not, then the storm will not have to try very hard to overcome you, because unfortunately, the storms are stronger than us, they are bigger than us. But, they are not bigger than our savior.
Just like in a storm, all of these things have to be prepared in advance. There is no way to prepare during a storm. Preparation for a storm comes at a price. The same is true in faith, it means sacrificing time, energy, and priorities, to be fully prepared when those storms hit, and trust me, they are going to hit.
So, I will ask you the same thing God asked me:
What are you doing to prepare yourself for the looming storms in life that are bigger than you and that you cannot stop?
Sunday, October 7, 2018
The Numbers Challenge: Part 2
This weekend, in case you are just joining in, I encouraged that we all partake in a Numbers Challenge. The point behind this was to take a short period and make a conscience effort to not live life by the numbers. Not by the numbers on the scale. Not by the numbers in your bank account. Not by the number of followers, likes, and comments you have on social media. Not by the numbers.
So, I went through with this challenge. It was actually a lot of fun. I decided this weekend to look for the breathe-taking moments. The little, unexpected gems that God gives us throughout our life just because He is good.
So, here are my results:
On Friday, I had many breathe-taking moments, from beach waves and sunshine to cooking dinner with my best friend, the day was full of little moments of laughter and fun.
On Saturday, my breathe-taking moment came in an unexpected way. I was at work and because of strict hours, we were feeling pretty under staffed. And then our computer system decided to start working as slow as molasses. We had a good number of customers and my co worker and I were just trying to keep the joy. I just wanted our customers to feel loved and appreciated even with the long wait times, so I did what I do best, and make really awkward jokes just to keep the energy light. It made me so happy to see our customers laughing and joking back.
Today, my breathe-taking moment was when I was leading youth, we took them into adult service to take communion with the congregation. I help serve communion at our church since I am trained to do so (and honestly, I love serving our congregation communion). Getting to serve my youth communion and to see them learn what it means and to pray with them for the Lord to forgive their sins, was simply amazing.
To say the least, the Lord delivered within this challenge and gifted me with some amazing moments. This challenge is really something I would love to incorporate into my life every day, because there is such freedom in living by the breathe-taking moments instead of the numbers. I may still find myself slipping and looking at the numbers, but every day is a chance to have that hold be a little less and those chains fall off a little more.
For those of you who participated, thank you. It was wonderful knowing I wasn't alone and that I had accountability doing so. I have loved reading the messages of y'all's breathe-taking moments, thank you for sharing them with me!
As we go into a new week, continue to focus on looking for the breathe-taking moments, even within the moments of stress and hard circumstances. God will bless you within your effort, and through it all remember to give Him thanks for each beautiful, unique breathe-taking moment.
So, I went through with this challenge. It was actually a lot of fun. I decided this weekend to look for the breathe-taking moments. The little, unexpected gems that God gives us throughout our life just because He is good.
So, here are my results:
On Friday, I had many breathe-taking moments, from beach waves and sunshine to cooking dinner with my best friend, the day was full of little moments of laughter and fun.
On Saturday, my breathe-taking moment came in an unexpected way. I was at work and because of strict hours, we were feeling pretty under staffed. And then our computer system decided to start working as slow as molasses. We had a good number of customers and my co worker and I were just trying to keep the joy. I just wanted our customers to feel loved and appreciated even with the long wait times, so I did what I do best, and make really awkward jokes just to keep the energy light. It made me so happy to see our customers laughing and joking back.
Today, my breathe-taking moment was when I was leading youth, we took them into adult service to take communion with the congregation. I help serve communion at our church since I am trained to do so (and honestly, I love serving our congregation communion). Getting to serve my youth communion and to see them learn what it means and to pray with them for the Lord to forgive their sins, was simply amazing.
To say the least, the Lord delivered within this challenge and gifted me with some amazing moments. This challenge is really something I would love to incorporate into my life every day, because there is such freedom in living by the breathe-taking moments instead of the numbers. I may still find myself slipping and looking at the numbers, but every day is a chance to have that hold be a little less and those chains fall off a little more.
For those of you who participated, thank you. It was wonderful knowing I wasn't alone and that I had accountability doing so. I have loved reading the messages of y'all's breathe-taking moments, thank you for sharing them with me!
As we go into a new week, continue to focus on looking for the breathe-taking moments, even within the moments of stress and hard circumstances. God will bless you within your effort, and through it all remember to give Him thanks for each beautiful, unique breathe-taking moment.
Saturday, October 6, 2018
Dreading the Waters, Riding the Waves
One thing most people know about me is that I am terrified of open water. I love water in general, but open water for some reason scares me.
Yesterday, one of my best friends and I decided to take a mental health day and went to the beach. Usually I don't go in the water past my knees, but yesterday in following with my numbers challenge, I decided I didn't want my fear to rule me. So when we finally decided to get into the water I walked in until I was a little less than shoulder deep. I was shaking, but I was doing it!
The second time we went in, going in to my shoulders didn't seem like such a big deal. My friend and I saw a few guys going out to the sand bar (maybe 50 or 60 feet from shore, which to me seemed like 4 or 5 miles) so we decided to go as well. So, slowly we swam towards the sand bar. It was terrifying, but when my feet hit the sand bar it was exhilarating to know that I did it. I was out there.
I may not have conquered my fears, but I definitely took a big step in not letting them control me. Here is the thing about fears, we are always going to have them. They may change over time, but we can't get rid of all of our fears. But, we can decide to not let fear control us. We can choose to live our life outside of fear.
This blog is one of my fears. I know it may not seem that way from my writing, but to put myself out there is terrifying. But, the last week has also been unexpectedly amazing. The best thing about overcoming the control fear has on you is not necessarily the action, but the feeling that goes with conquering something that has a hold on you. There is nothing more freeing.
I hope all of you that are participating in The Numbers Challenge are having a good time and finding the small, breath-taking moments! I cannot wait to hear your stories!
Jeremiah 29:11 day 18
Yesterday, one of my best friends and I decided to take a mental health day and went to the beach. Usually I don't go in the water past my knees, but yesterday in following with my numbers challenge, I decided I didn't want my fear to rule me. So when we finally decided to get into the water I walked in until I was a little less than shoulder deep. I was shaking, but I was doing it!
The second time we went in, going in to my shoulders didn't seem like such a big deal. My friend and I saw a few guys going out to the sand bar (maybe 50 or 60 feet from shore, which to me seemed like 4 or 5 miles) so we decided to go as well. So, slowly we swam towards the sand bar. It was terrifying, but when my feet hit the sand bar it was exhilarating to know that I did it. I was out there.
I may not have conquered my fears, but I definitely took a big step in not letting them control me. Here is the thing about fears, we are always going to have them. They may change over time, but we can't get rid of all of our fears. But, we can decide to not let fear control us. We can choose to live our life outside of fear.
This blog is one of my fears. I know it may not seem that way from my writing, but to put myself out there is terrifying. But, the last week has also been unexpectedly amazing. The best thing about overcoming the control fear has on you is not necessarily the action, but the feeling that goes with conquering something that has a hold on you. There is nothing more freeing.
I hope all of you that are participating in The Numbers Challenge are having a good time and finding the small, breath-taking moments! I cannot wait to hear your stories!
Jeremiah 29:11 day 18
Thursday, October 4, 2018
The Numbers Challenge: Part 1
I have been so blown away with the support and love I have been shown with this blog. I never thought that within a week I would have 100+ daily readers from 8 different countries on 4 continents. I mean, I am just a 22 year old girl sitting in the guest room in her parents house, sharing what I think. So thank you to every person who has read, messaged me, left comments, and supported me! I am so awed by the kindness I have been shown.
But. Today I found myself constantly refreshing my stats page to see who had read my post and where they were from. I was obsessing over it. I realized that my life, and really all of our lives, are constantly lived by numbers. The numbers in your bank account, the numbers on the scale, on your clothes tag, the number of followers on social media, your GPA, etc., we constantly look to numbers for validation.
Here's the thing though, is I don't want to write this blog for the numbers. I don't want to live my life for the numbers. I want to write this blog to organize what I think and how I feel, and give encouragement to those who may be experiencing or thinking similar things. I want to live my life by breathe-taking moments, not numbers, unless it is counting the stars, or the number of steps walking toward the person you love, or the number of scars you have from crazy adventures! Those are the only numbers I ever want to be living by, because those other ones can decrease, they can be taken away, but the number of breathe-taking moments in your life, those cannot be taken, they can only increase.
So I have a challenge for all of us as we go into the weekend: Instead of living life by the numbers, let's try to live life by the breathe-taking moments. See how many you have this weekend and then come back and share them with me! I want to relish and celebrate those beautiful moments with y'all! Good luck!
I will follow up later from this post and let y'all know how this challenge is for me and share my own breathe-taking moments! I am already excited for whatever amazing moments those will be!
Jeremiah 29:11 Day 16
But. Today I found myself constantly refreshing my stats page to see who had read my post and where they were from. I was obsessing over it. I realized that my life, and really all of our lives, are constantly lived by numbers. The numbers in your bank account, the numbers on the scale, on your clothes tag, the number of followers on social media, your GPA, etc., we constantly look to numbers for validation.
Here's the thing though, is I don't want to write this blog for the numbers. I don't want to live my life for the numbers. I want to write this blog to organize what I think and how I feel, and give encouragement to those who may be experiencing or thinking similar things. I want to live my life by breathe-taking moments, not numbers, unless it is counting the stars, or the number of steps walking toward the person you love, or the number of scars you have from crazy adventures! Those are the only numbers I ever want to be living by, because those other ones can decrease, they can be taken away, but the number of breathe-taking moments in your life, those cannot be taken, they can only increase.
So I have a challenge for all of us as we go into the weekend: Instead of living life by the numbers, let's try to live life by the breathe-taking moments. See how many you have this weekend and then come back and share them with me! I want to relish and celebrate those beautiful moments with y'all! Good luck!
I will follow up later from this post and let y'all know how this challenge is for me and share my own breathe-taking moments! I am already excited for whatever amazing moments those will be!
Jeremiah 29:11 Day 16
Wednesday, October 3, 2018
Social Media Fast: Part 2
As promised, here is the God aspect of my social media fast.
As I have said before, the last year has been a strange season when it comes to God. Essentially I walked away from God after the camp I loved rejected me, and I blamed God hardcore. So, I was pretending for about half a year, while attending my old church, that I had this strong, solid faith. In reality, I hated God and really didn't care. I couldn't have been more numb to faith and church. Eventually I left that church and decided to stop pretending within my personal life. Many of my close friends and family knew that I was not following God and really didn't care. The awkward part there is that I was working at a Christian bookstore and I would leave work so frustrated because I would have to pretend for hours on end to care. I had to listen and agree with customers about God. It was all so fake.
Side note: If you are one of my co-workers reading this, I just want to say thank you for the love and support y'all showed me over those months. You may not realize it, but God was using you guys to impact my faith so much!
So, last week when I had my breakdown, after the screaming and crying and fighting, I just felt a gentle tug on my heart. When I walked away from social media, it was for me, I am not going to deny that. It wasn't about God or anything like that. But, what I didn't know is how God was going to use that whole situation to call my heart back to him. I didn't understand that God was right there crying with me, dying with me. Not because of the circumstance, but because it hurt him to see me in so much pain.
This week God has used my time away from social media to not only find my voice, but to finally find His voice, to hear Him clearly for the first time in a long time.
Here is where I am now: I am still struggling with the whys and am still constantly saying "I don't understand", but within all of that I am re-learning that God is good. He really does have a plan even though I don't understand it or agree with it. But, I can recognize now, that I wasn't ready to do the things I thought I was ready for. I learned that there are still things I need to work on within myself, and that's okay.
The pain is still there, don't get me wrong, but now I have a hope that I didn't have before. I still don't know what the future holds, but I know that right now, I am working on me, and that's enough.
Jeremiah 29:11 day 15
Tuesday, October 2, 2018
Social Media Fast: Part 1
Warning: This is a very real, open, and raw post. Proceed with caution.
A lot of people have asked me regarding my social media fast so I am going to give you all the real reason behind it because I promised you all that I would be open and real and vulnerable on this blog.
Please note how hard this is for me, and proceed with gentleness and patience, knowing full well that I am opening a part of myself that few have seen...
A week ago I started a social media fast because I had a very real and painful mental and emotional breakdown.
I was in a lot of pain. I had felt like I had lost something amazing in my life, someone amazing, and the pain surrounding the circumstances of that person leaving were too much for me to handle. It scared me knowing that I cared that much for someone and knowing that I had let them in more than I had let pretty much any other person. (Side note: I am not an open person. It is something I recognize. If I let someone in, it is a big deal because I like my walls.) To think that I would possibly never see that person again was too much for me, it was like when they left, they took a part of me with them. They don't know it, but they left with enough of me to destroy me, and that scared me more than anything in the world.
I was basically trying to find anyway to numb that pain and fear while also working two jobs and stay on top of school work and maintain my friendships. I was so overwhelmed by the amount of faking I had to do to keep up the image I had between my jobs and friendships. It honestly disgusted me. I hated feeling fake. Basically that night, I broke. And I mean BROKE.
After screaming into a pillow till my throat was raw and crying until there was nothing left, I realized that something needed to change. I needed control over something. That something was an overwhelming need to control the many voices coming at me, and to do that meant to walk away from social media, at least temporarily.
I am learning what self-care means for me. I am learning how to look out for myself and love myself. Along this process, I am finding my voice, which is why I started this blog, because I don't want all of this to be in vain. I want all of this pain and heartache to be for a purpose.
And then there is the God aspect of all of this, but you will have to wait til tomorrow for that part.
Jeremiah 29:11 Day 15
Monday, October 1, 2018
October, I Am Ready for You!
Happy October all! Today begins my favorite part of the year. Every year I switch my scent (which perfume I use) to my favorite of all time which is Cup of Warmth from Bath and Body Works. This season brings so many great holidays (Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years). The reason I love these times are for a few different reasons. First, I love the cold. I live in Florida, so when I say cold I mean that I won't immediately be sweating the second I walk outside and I might be able to wear long sleeves (which I love!). Second, I love the upcoming holidays. This year is going to be a little different since my grandfather passed away this year and he was always one of my favorite parts of these times, but I am going to celebrate none-the-less and I know he will celebrating with me.
I don't know what it is about this time of year that really makes me so joyful. I feel like at this time of year I start being more ambitious, I become more willing to take chances. Maybe it's the change of summer to winter (since I live in Florida we don't really experience a fall and spring). The summer is so slow and chill where the winter is fast and full of activities. Even more so, maybe it is just my love for the small things like the color of the leaves changing or the smell of pumpkin spice and cinnamon apple. It's the joy of little kids hanging Christmas lights and the laughter from families sharing dinner on Thanksgiving. It's the stress of working retail and the excitement of buying Christmas gifts for the people I love. It is cherishing the small moments and realizing how important those times are.
As October brings a new season, I recognize all the changes happening in my life right now. I am definitely in a transition period in my life (though I guess I have felt that way for the past year or so) but I am working two jobs and going to school full time. I am looking to buy a new car. I am starting a new volunteer role leading a youth bible study. I started writing this blog more seriously. I started making healthier choices in my life, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I am learning what self-care is and that loving myself sometimes means making decision that are best for me and not others. This is definitely a changing of times for me and I couldn't be more excited! I am learning who I am and who I want to be and the impact I want to have.
So, welcome October, I am ready for you and I cannot wait for all the great moments, breathe-taking experiences, and the many moments of laughter. Let this next chapter begin!
Jeremiah 29:11 day 14
I don't know what it is about this time of year that really makes me so joyful. I feel like at this time of year I start being more ambitious, I become more willing to take chances. Maybe it's the change of summer to winter (since I live in Florida we don't really experience a fall and spring). The summer is so slow and chill where the winter is fast and full of activities. Even more so, maybe it is just my love for the small things like the color of the leaves changing or the smell of pumpkin spice and cinnamon apple. It's the joy of little kids hanging Christmas lights and the laughter from families sharing dinner on Thanksgiving. It's the stress of working retail and the excitement of buying Christmas gifts for the people I love. It is cherishing the small moments and realizing how important those times are.
As October brings a new season, I recognize all the changes happening in my life right now. I am definitely in a transition period in my life (though I guess I have felt that way for the past year or so) but I am working two jobs and going to school full time. I am looking to buy a new car. I am starting a new volunteer role leading a youth bible study. I started writing this blog more seriously. I started making healthier choices in my life, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I am learning what self-care is and that loving myself sometimes means making decision that are best for me and not others. This is definitely a changing of times for me and I couldn't be more excited! I am learning who I am and who I want to be and the impact I want to have.
So, welcome October, I am ready for you and I cannot wait for all the great moments, breathe-taking experiences, and the many moments of laughter. Let this next chapter begin!
Jeremiah 29:11 day 14
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