Mirror Mirror

                                           

When you look into the mirror, who do you see? What do you think?

Something happened to me this week. I was at my community group. It was after it ended and everyone was hanging out. I went to the door, to throw something away. I look up at the door and in the window;

I saw my reflection.

The first thought I had was, "I hate you." That is what I said to myself. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see hatred. I see disappointment. I see pain. I see suffering. I see a scared little girl holding a knife to her wrist, wondering if life is even worth it anymore. I see disappointment. I see hate.

For so long I have listened to so many voices. Shouting at me, "You are NOT worth it." "You are ugly." "You are stupid." "You will never amount to anything." So many times in my life I let those words, those phrases sink to the deepest depths of my heart and fester until that is what I see in myself. I find it so hard to take a compliment, but so easy to take an insult. It is easy to take an insult, because it is already what I think about myself. Nothing anyone says could be worse than the thought, the words, the phrases I say to myself. I expect disappointment from myself. I expect pain. I expect suffering. I expect hate.

For so long I was the outcast. The one no one liked. I was the worthless one. I was bullied. I was gossiped about. I was treated like I was horrible for even taking up space on the earth, and eventually I started to see that in myself.

It became so easy to put on a mask. To seem fine around my friends and family and church, when really I was on the point of breaking. So many times I would sit in my room, in silence, staring at the mirror, tears in my eyes, looking at myself with hatred, because I started believing about myself that I was not even worth taking space on this earth.

BUT then I met God.

It changed everything about my life. It changed how I saw myself. It changed what I heard. He took those voices in my life and he changed them. He showed me how he sees me. That I am a precious jewel that he knitted together perfectly into who I was meant to be, When I gave my life to Him, I never knew how it would affect how I saw myself, how it should affect how I see myself. Lately he has been penetrating those deep parts of my heart, those parts filled with disappointment, and hate, and anger, and sadness, and worthlessness, and He has been filling those places with love and light and worth and beauty. He is showing me that I was worth His Son's life, to set me free.

Do not get me wrong, this is something I struggle with so much. In those times when I sit alone, and just cry at the thoughts I have about myself. If you opened one of my journals you would see that there are times where I just suffer and I write out how I see myself, and it is not good, but God is starting to show me how I should view myself. He is slowly turning me into His daughter. A beautiful woman who lives to serve God and to serve others. And I am not perfect, but in God's eyes, I am worthwhile and I am beautiful.